The roast of Justin Bieber: Beliebers beware

By Al Masino

Contributing Writer

[email protected]

April 14, 2015

Credit: The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber aired on March 21.

The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber aired on March 21.

“This was supposed to be a birthday present,” said a bruised Bieber at the end of his roast. He further reflected, “When I tell people what I got for my 21st birthday, I get to tell them I got my dick kicked in.”

The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber aired on March 21. For two hours Bieber sat before a live audience as a star-packed dais of celebrities, led by Roast master Kevin Hart, gave Bieber “the ass-whooping he deserves.” The roasters included comedians like Pete Davidson, Natasha Leggero, Chris D’Elia, Jeffrey Ross, Hannibal Burress, and Will Ferrell (as Ron Burgundy). They were joined by Snoop Dogg, Ludacris, Shaquille O’Neal, and Martha Stewart.

Many of the jokes aimed at Bieber attacked his lack of masculinity. “My cast-mate on Saturday Night Live, Kate McKinnon, does a perfect impression of Justin. Right down to the clit,” said Pete Davison.

Jeff Ross tuned to Bieber and said, “What’s your rap name, Feminem?” Shaq said “What kind of bitch eggs his neighbor’s house?  You caused $ 20,000 in damages. Imagine the damage you would have caused if you threw like a boy.”

Some of those jokes knocked Bieber for being on Ellen DeGeneres’ show, “Ellen,” so many times. Ludacris joked, “You’ve been on ‘Ellen’ 14 times. You act so much like a pussy on the show, Ellen tried to eat you.” Natasha Leggero reiterated, “Justin, you’ve been on ‘Ellen’ more than a pussy juice moustache.”

In the same vein, there were many jokes about Bieber’s sexuality. Pete Davidson said, “Justin has a lot of tattoos. You have ‘patience’ tattooed on your neck, and ‘this doesn’t count’ right above your asshole.”

“When Justin got arrested, he had a big smile in his mugshot. Not because he gangsta, because he knows what goes on in jail,” said Snoop Dogg. “Justin, you so motherfucking pretty, when the inmates saw your mugshot, they swiped right.”

“The best part about taking Justin from behind is that you can shave half his head and pretend he’s Miley Cyrus,” said Jeff Ross. The harshest jokes implied a relationship between Bieber and Usher, who helped put Bieber on the map.

Kevin Hart said, “There’s a wax figure of Justin at Madame Tussaud’s in London. He’s face down in a wax Usher’s lap.” Ross said, “Justin’s ass is like a movie ticket ‘cause it was ripped apart by an ‘usher’.”

Jeff Ross had a trifecta of jokes aimed at Justin’s previous relationship with Selena Gomez.

“Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she’s dating men now,” said Ross. “Is it true you dumped her because she grew a moustache before you? That’s right, Selena Gomez used to bang this guy, proving that once again that Mexicans will do the disgusting jobs Americans just won’t do.”

Chris D’Elia, referencing the fight Bieber had with actor Orlando Bloom, said, “You’re about to get fucked harder than Orlando Bloom fucked Selena Gomez.”

Commonly in a roast, the roasters get hit with jokes alongside the guest of honor. The Roast master, Kevin Hart, received a flood of jokes about his height. Pete Davidson opened up his set with, “It’s an honor to be at a roast hosted by Shaq’s dick.”

“I recently got married and Kevin was at my wedding because I needed a miniature black man on my wedding cake,” said Ludacris.

“Kevin is everywhere. In fact, he’s gonna be on the next season of ‘Game of Thrones.’ He’s playing Peter Dinklage’s shadow,” said Natasha Leggero. “Kevin does all his own stunts. He climbs into his own chair. He climbs out of his own bathtub. He goes up on his wife.” Even Bieber got to knock him, saying, “Kevin is so short he calls Lil Wayne ‘Wayne’.”

Snoop Dogg also got a lot of jokes about his current look. Jeff Ross said Snoop looks like, “a retired WNBA player.” “Snoop, you look like Shaq’s skeleton,” said Natasha Leggero.

Hannibal Burress compared Snoop to a rejected Mortal Kombat boss, saying “Now you have to fight Fake Crip.” Other jokes included Jeff Ross’ looks (“Jeff, How am I the one who played 19 seasons, and you’re the one who looks like he took 20 years of elbows to the face?” –Shaq), Martha’s jail time (All these rappers on stage and Martha Stewart has done the most jail time” –Natasha Leggero), and Natasha’s sluttiness (“I’m not saying Natasha is a whore, but Shaq can fit both his feet in her pussy”-Hannibal Burress).

Some jokes were edited out of the broadcast. Any jokes involving the late actor Paul Walker were cut. The jokes ranged from Jeff Ross, who said “Move, bitch, get out the way. That’s what Paul Walker should have said to that tree,” to Pete Davidson, who said, “Just this past year, Justin got arrested for drag racing. Unfortunately, it wasn’t with Paul Walker.”

Overall, the roast was decent with a lot of laughs. The jokes may have offended some people, but that is the norm for these roasts. But whether you love Justin or hate him, any person could enjoy sitting back and watching the “King Joffrey of Pop” get destroyed for a night.

The Albany Student Press

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